The Story of How I Made an Arch-Nemesis.
The world of sports broadcasting is massive, with thousands of individuals working and waiting for their big break, their moment in lights. Unfortunately for these folks, and some of us here at The Break Room, retired athletes and coaches makes up 80% of today’s broadcast crews. That may be a stat I just made up, but to a certain extent, its true. Though many are very talented and do a great job, there are others that make you wonder who they had to pay off or what favor they had to do to get into their analyst chair. To the many who earn college degrees dedicated in the field of work and work their butt off just to be beat to the spot by a retired athlete, I share your frustration. This is my personal story about retired athlete analysts.
Being the avid soccer fan that I am, I watch a lot of games. With all the leagues and tournaments in the world, there are hundreds of different announcers, commentators, and analysts on television and radio. I have my favorites of course, but I also have my least favorites. The one the stands out at the bottom of my list is Taylor Twellman. For those of you who don’t know who he is, I don’t blame you. The former Maryland Terrapin flopped in Germany for the 1860 Munich reserve team before coming back to the U.S. to play for the five time MLS Cup runners-up New England Revolution. Twellman had a hand in four of those runner-up finishes for the Revolution, never quite going the distance to lift the trophy. Though he was a prolific goalscorer in the MLS before a concussion forced him into retirement in 2010, he never could find his footing with the U.S. national team, scoring a mere six goals in 30 appearances.
After retirement, Twellman has risen up in the ESPN ranks to become one of the lead soccer analysts in the U.S., but my question is, what did he do to deserve these accolades, because it obviously wasn’t based off talent. Frequently stating the obvious and making wrong predictions, one would think Twellman would have more knowledge on the sport he has “known” his entire life.
Now that you know his background and how I feel about him, here’s where my personal encounter with Taylor Twellman.
One random day last fall, Twellman tweeted this:
He was poking fun at comments that baseball great Pete Rose had said during MLB playoff coverage. Though harmless to some, I decided to take a chance and flip his tweet back towards him. This is what I replied with:
Now we all know how tweeting at verified(I’m going to refrain from calling Twellman a celebrity) accounts goes. Nine times out of ten, your tweet never gets a reply and just floats around the Twitterverse. In this instance however, I got lucky. Twellman replied with:
Shocked that he would take the time to reply, I gave his tweet a like and had to be quick on my feet to reply. So I said:
As rude as that may sound, I’m talking to someone that I’ll never meet in my life, so what do I have to lose? And surely he won’t reply again, right?:
As an idol of mine, Ron Burgundy would say, “Well that escalated quickly!” Out of nowhere, Twellman tweets fire at me. I’m laughing my butt off at this point, seeing that he has put time and effort into winning this particular Twitter argument. I couldn’t leave it at that though, so I replied:
Taking advantage of the total disregard that Twellman had of my attack on his knowledge when he brought his bosses at ESPN into the argument, I called him out on it. Then, putting the spotlight back on him, I attacked his weak spot: never lifting the MLS Cup. He didn’t take kindly to my thoughts however:
Making up hashtags and stooping to my level, a fan’s level, Twellman was running out of comebacks. I never could have imagined that this argument would have risen to these heights, but there we were. I already had a reply in my drafts, so I said:
I felt confident after this tweet. Thrilled that I found a use for that great picture, Twellman had no reply. After a half on hour, I decided to go to his account to see if he had tweeted anything else, only to find this:
Twellman blocked me! After all of that, the coward gave up and took the easy way out. I’ll take it, I won.
To this day, Twellman still has me blocked on Twitter. I really enjoyed our Twitter argument; especially because I proved a point. Taylor Twellman is a cocky, unintelligent coward that doesn’t deserve the seat he sits in at ESPN.
Twellman, I hope you read this one day. I want you to know that I’m coming for you and your throne in the broadcasting world.
One more thing…I love my mom’s meatloaf.
By the way, remember when I said, “It’s not like I’ll ever meet the guy.” Well…
Until next time, vale, and remember:
“With great power comes great responsibility.” – Uncle Ben