Zaza Pachulia Needs to Find a New Job

As I am watching the Golden State Warriors play the Los Angeles Clippers, I realized that a certain player on the Warriors needed some life advice from me. I qualify to give this advice because I am a smart-ass college student with a laptop and way too much free time. Zaza Pachulia, dear lord where do I start? He really is painful to watch. As a former high school basketball standout, and current intramural champion, I am better than Zaza Pachulia. His rating on 2k should be a 47. He is only in the NBA to take up space and have guys run into him so his all-star teammates can get open shots. Now, I’m not taking away his importance to his team, because he does get Steph, Klay, and KD some good looks, but he is still an awful basketball player.  Every game he makes multiple dumb plays, and he is almost a guarantee on Shaqtin’ a Fool. Here are some of Zaza’s most recent blunders:

Poor Zaza

Now this article is meant to offer some guidance for Zaza, because I think it is time that he starts to think about the future. Here are some professions that I think the big fella could really shine in.

WWE Wrestler 

Zaza is already gigantic, and actually has a good personality, so I think he could fit in pretty well alongside the WWE superstars. He’s weird enough so we know he would not have a problem wearing tight underwear on national TV, and I think he could have a killer finishing move.

Catfish Noodler

“Noodling” is a fun way of fishing for monster catfish. It involves stripping down to your skivvies, jumping into a muddy river, sticking your arm into a hole, and hoping a catfish latches on instead of Carl the weird hobo that snorkels under the bridge. Zaza would be perfect for this! He has really long arms, so he can get into the deepest of holes and catch the biggest cats. You also do this in large groups, and Zaza has a pass-first mentality, so he’d do all the dirty work and then let someone else get their arm deep-throated by a muddy catfish.

Light Pole

There are way too many dimly lit parking lots in the world. It is scary walking to your car late at night, but how nice would it be for a friendly giant named Zaza to be standing by your car with a headlamp on. He’s a nice guy too, so he’d probably fight off Carl and his hobo friends from performing a “Soup Kitchen”  in your car.

These are all very good options for Zaza, and he has enough money in the bank to go explore and find out what truly makes him happy. I hope for the best for Zaza, and maybe he becomes a champ like me someday.


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